meme

I'm going to interpret this as a meme.
Favorite wine: red
Favorite TV show: Good Eats
Favorite dog: the one in my lap
Favorite time of day: Laying my head on the pillow after hitting snooze... again
Favorite item on my daily to do list: Make the first pot of coffee of the day
Favorite way to go to work: On time even though I stopped to pick up a Tim's on the way
Favorite place in the world: My deck on a beautiful summer morning.

After

No think pink for me this year. I have been waiting to hear if my breast reduction surgery was going to happen this summer like it was supposed to. All I can find out so far is maybe. No one will commit to me, so I don't want to commit to anyone else.

On a much different note.

You know life is good when you run through the house giggling like a school girl while your husband chases you in a race to the bathroom. And you don't give a frac that your adult and teenage kids might see you.

Before

Think Pink

After before, before the after.

Okay. I am into the Merlot again. Hence the after before. I have had an opportunity to teach what "I" think I cannot do. I have always thought I would be a good teacher (so Craig is, again, making me proud), but I have decided it is best to show myself, I can do it. I don't have to teach it, although I would teach it extremely well. I have challenged and accepted my challenge to myself, to actually do it.

As per Nike, I am going to "just do it.".

Before

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

After

Okay, It's been more than 12 hours. I've recovered from the bottle of Merlot at midnight and I still like my idea.

What I wanted to convey was my feelings of inferior posts. I like to blog. I want to post. Everyday during my regular run at life something will just pop into my head saying "post this! this is real, this is posting material". I will think about how I want to tell my thoughts and then Whup!, life grabs me and takes me back and the post slips from my mind. Sometime later I will sit down at my keyboard and I either won't remember, won't know how to start, or most often I will decide it's just too lame and no one will want to read this.

I am going to blame all those great bloggers out there that I check every day hoping for a new entertaining, thought provoking, or just informative read. You know, the ones that when you log on to them and it's still the one you just read yesterday, you're a little disapointed.

I don't want to disapoint you.

I know, its not about you. It's about me. What's going on with me. What I'm thinking and feeling. Where my head's at. If you bump into me on the street and I'm not running late and you just ask me (sometimes you don't even have to ask) I'll tell you. It's just that for me there is something about writing it down. It comes out of my head faster than I can type and as I s....l....o......w.......l.....y type my thoughts, they'll change. Then I'll read them and analzye how someone else will read it and its not what I meant and now I have to change it.

But I must face reality. It's not the great bloggers fault. It's my own feelings of inadequecy and my worries that someone might misread me. I don't want to disapoint and I don't want anyone to think less of me. By blogging straight from my thoughts with no concern to how it may sound to someone else, I could end up doing harm to a relationship I value. I truly value every relationship I have. Even the ones that are hard, the ones that I have to struggle at and the ones that are tiring. I still value them and don't want to do any damage to them.

SO. That leaves me never knowing what I should say or how I should say it.

About 1/2 way through the Merlot and during a new episode of What Not to Wear there was a Geico commercial with the green lizard. One that I never quite understood what the geiko was saying. Suddenly it dawned on me that I had got it this time. A half a bottle of Merlot was all I needed to see the point of this commercial clearly. I suddenly thought "this is a blog". My semi-stupored mind kicked into gear and started putting the thought into words to blog. Then I started thinking about how I should just get up and go and write this now, but the dog trainer was just about to meet Nick and Carmindy and I can't miss that. Another commercial break and 3/4 into the Merlot now, my mind wandered back to what to write. I was already losing the train of how I wanted to get this amazing moment of advertising clarity across and I started thinking about how I know I won't blog until morning and then I know I will have completely lost the moment. That took me straight into the before and after post idea.

Of course after the whole bottle was gone and the dog groomer looked like she will be turning up on a future season of America's Next Top Model, my idea sounded like something that would actually have people disussing around the water cooler.

I don't really care if they do or not. I just want something to get me writing. Something that will allow me to be free with my thoughts and still able to keep all my relationships healthy and valued.

Hence we now have before and after.

I also had two other ideas to get me writing. First, if there is anything you would like me to comment on, say so. Worse case scenario is you just may get a before and after. Second, I should, no promises, start just quickly posting a sentence when one of those blog moments happen. I can go back and before and after it later or not. Either way, I can't forget it for later.

before and after

I think I may be on to something.

AND I am at the moment VERY EXCITED!

I am calling it before and after.

Basically its what I imagine in my mind to be an really cool, really interesting blog post. One that thousands of people will be interested in, something that people will talk about at the water cooler. You know, really, really cool! Rad! Phat! Go with your generations "word" for "so good you want to let everyone you know, know that you knew about it before they did" word.

It goes like this.

I tell you what I am thinking as I think it. I don't go back and edit it to try and make you understand what I really mean. I just tell it the way it comes out of me. stupid word for stupid word. If it's druken, like this one is, oh well, it is still what i am at that moment.

Then, after at least 12 hours, ABSOLUTELY NO LESS THAN 12 HOURS! EVER!

I try to tell you what I really meant.

I edit and I cut and I paste and I use spell check and every known tool available to me, including my brain. I can use cups of coffee, any legal drugs currently available, to clear my head. other peoples feedback, whatever I have access to, whatever I can beg, borrow or steal to try to make some sense of my before mind, to actually get across to you what I really actually meant to say.

That I will post again.

Please, tell me what you think.

Then I will repost my same thoughts again.

Then you can tell me again

Then I will finally have something.

Something I feel will be worth posting.

Thank you?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

....RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!.....

Happy Love Fest

It's Valentines day today. Trying as hard as I could, I still couldn't avoid it.

My husband loves me. I know that. He is not the romantic type to send me flowers or buy me gifts on Valentines, Birthdays or Anniversaries. I understood this before I married him. I still understand this and love him no less for it. With our relationship based on mutual love and respect for each other, we don't engage in the spending of lots of money on days designated by society.

But as I was in the drugstore today picking up a prescription anyway, while I waited, I looked at all the cards on the rack. That took all of 3 minutes as there wasn't much left. The ones that were left were pretty lame. They were either aimed at 3 yr olds or filled with sexual innuendos. I ended up picking him up a novel that I hope he will enjoy and a small chocolate treat and stuffie for Kaitlin. I do wish I had thought of this a week ago, so I could have mailed a little something to Craig, Genevieve, Stephanie & Todd. Sorry guys, I will just have to owe you a lasagna next time your home.

So, even though we are not holiday spenders (except for at Christmas, but that's another blog) I ended up spending about $60 on the day. The drugstore gifts cost me $20.00 and then I decided on impulse as I was leaving work, that it would be nice to just pick up some supper and dessert at the local grocery store. Another $40 bucks on a roasted chicken, spuds, salad, cake and cookie dough/brownie ice cream. They were out of rolo ice cream so I had to go with the next best.

ROLO ICE CREAM IS THE BEST ICE CREAM EVER!

I left Dean a voice mail asking him to pick up a bottle of wine on the way home. I figured if I am gonna be a last minute spending sucker he must as well come on over to the dark side with me.

Happiest of Love fests to all.

I've been sick.

I have been sick for the past week and still feel pretty crappy. Last, last Thursday evening Kaitlin started complaining she wasn't feeling well. By Friday morning it was quite evident she was sick, so she stayed home from school. She was sick through the weekend, and on Monday morning was still not well. Monday evening, when I left work for the day, I noticed a bit of a scratchiness in my throat, but thought nothing of it. By the time we sat down for supper I was feeling like I was getting sick and my throat was hurting pretty good. By the time I went to bed, early that evening I was sick. Head pounding hurt, raw throat, fever, every muscle in my body aching fiercely. My fingernails were screaming at me to stop the hurt. I was so surprised at how fast it all came on. I went from noticing a little something in my throat to full blown in bed flu within 3 hours. I can't remember being that sick in over 10 years.

Kaitlin has not been back to school yet. It has been 9 days for her today and she is still worn down tired and ache-y. I have been able to predict every thing I have experienced exactly 4 days after her. We took K up to the hospital one evening last week. I thought if she isn't getting any better after 5 days, it's time to have an university educated health care person give me some input. The doctor said she was the same as the previous 75 kids he had seen that day. Take her home, put her in bed, give her whatever cough/cold medicine she prefers, control the fever with acetaminophen and don't send her back to school for the rest of the week.

I was 24 hours into my sickness at that time, and at that point scared.

Since the first 36 hours I have been very slowly feeling a little better each day. I missed 3 days of work and count myself lucky that was all. K is going back to school tomorrow. I think although it will most likely tire her, it will also do her good to give her eyes a chance to view something other than the TV screen or the back of her eyelids. She has been sleeping around 12 to 14 hours a day.

Now the good news. I am going to fly to BC in May. I am going to fly for the very first time in my life and I will be doing it all by myself. I am both excited and nervous about the plane ride.

Sunday nite

Hey y'all,

It's Sunday evening and I don't know where the weekend went or what I even did. Well, that's not entirely true, I know I did a few hours of grocery shopping, more than a few hours of laundry and was at the office for a few hours as well. Throw in some well planned and prepared healthy meals, some healthy baking and a dog walking and I guess there isn't much time left to do anything.

I started a new book. Tuesday's with Morrie. I've been wanting to read it for quite a while and when I saw it at the grocery store the other day, I grabbed it without a second thought. So far so good, but it isn't a very thick book so I don't expect it to last me long. I really should be picking up a few books that would help me with work, but I just can't get into them at home. I like my job, but not quite enough to read about it at home.

I am feeling out of sorts today. I feel really bagged, but at the same time very restless. I thought I needed some exercise, its been way too long, at least a week since I've worked out at the gym, so I took the dogs for a walk. It was a good half hour at a good pace with hills. I even put on my big heavy winter boots and coat to make it a better work out. I got some good steam going and was sweating and everything, but when I got home I was even more tired than when I left and I still feel that way hours later. The fresh air was nice though. Too bad the sun wasn't out, that may have helped.

Even though it's still early, I think I am going to go to bed with my book. Tomorrow is going to be a very hectic day and I'll most likely be at work late. If I can, I might head to the gym after work.

See ya'

I should be folding laundry

but instead I'm burning and listening to this.

Now I know...

...who my readers are. Not a big bunch are you? That's just fine. The more readers, the more pressure.

I was thinking all week about what I would change and there really isn't anything big. Even if I could change some of the negative stuff I wouldn't because it all leads to more positive stuff in some way or another.

The only thing I could come up with was I wish I had worked out more and ate less crap. I wish I had worked harder at losing some weight. Well, that said, I can't go back, I can only go forward. So, forward we all go.

Goodbye 2005

It has been a different year. Too much bad stuff but a lot of good stuff too. A lot of endings and some new beginnings. The year is ending on a good note though, and I have high hopes for a good 2006.

I have a question for everyone. Please leave your answer in the comments and feel free to ask me one too.

If you could change one thing that happened in 2005 what would it be?

Sunday

Well, I guess we all get to miss it. I had a long post written today about babies, friendships and love. I even saved it to drafts to make sure I didn't lose it while I seached for links and photos to attach. I got those all edited in and when I hit the publish post button, it ALL DISAPPEARED!! Gone, nowhere to be found.

I guess we will just have to suck it all up.

Holy shit

This is my second weekend in a row at home. It's been months since I can say that. I feel as if I've been everywhere and I can't remember what everywhere is. If that sentence doesn't make sense to you that's because it's not supposed to. That's how I feel.

By the way, did you see what I wrote on my sidebar about trying to write a couple times a week and changing my focus of what my blog is meant to be? HAHAHA... I am fucking hilarious aren't I? I really thought that I could do that when I wrote it at least a month ago.

I have no idea what to do with this blog. I want it to flow freely and be some kind of essence of me and my creativity, but I wasn't even able to set it up or personalize it myself. Chair did all that. THANKS CHAIR I LOVE IT!. She knows me better than I do sometimes.

Anyways, this post is going kinda off sounding like I am in a sort of self destructive mood and I really am not. I am feeling frustrated with myself over this blog thing though. I think I am just getting those feelings out.

Hey, isn't that what I said I wanted to do here? How about that, it's sorta kinda working after all. Holy shit.

More photos

I finally updated Flickr. That's enough for tonite.

I am tired.

My seasonal allergies seem to have found a strong hold on me this week. If its anything like the past two years, every time it is cloudy and rainy, any dampness at all and I will be bagged and this year that's everyday. Not much sunshine going on here.

That and work has kicked into high gear. I have been very busy, which is absolutely fabulous, but I am feeling it.

I went to bed and pretty much straight to sleep at 8:30 last night. I slept straight through to my alarm clock at 6 this morning and I still feel bagged. That's the allergies, I know. Tonight I am going to take it easy again, hit the hay relatively early and since tomorrow is Saturday, I am going to sleep until I have to wet the bed.

I also have to start eating better. I have been really lax on my diet the past two months. I've been eating out much too much and not getting enough fruits and veggies. I tend to eat bad when I eat out. I feel as if it is a treat to eat out, so therefore I can treat myself to what I want and I don't have to stick to what's good for me. AND MORE WATER, LESS COFFEE. When I am tired I drink more coffee, which dehydrates me which makes me tired which triggers more coffee. It is a bad cycle and hard for me to break because I love coffee. The stronger the better.

And exercise. I have not been doing my share. I get more at my new job, the washroom and coffee room are at the opposite end of the building from my office and the office is at least 4 times as big as my previous job, so I know I am moving around more during the day. But I also know that's not enough. I need to get on my bike again or at least start walking the dogs a couple times a week. But my allergies drag me down and I just want to go to bed...

thinking

Lately I have found myself thinking a lot about my body. The shape of it. I am carrying around fifty pounds too much. Over all this doesn't really bother me much. Of course I would love to fit into a size 9 or even a 11 again, but I know that it is an unrealistic thought. I could drop the weight if I really dedicated myself to it, but I don't really care to put myself through that. I am comfortable enough with myself to enjoy my bad habits with out guilt. I think I deserve that. What I have really been thinking about is my breast reduction surgery. It won't be happening for at least another 10 months but I am excited.

I am starting to resent my heavy hanging hurting breasts. I think I never quite realized just quite how heavy, how hanging and how hurting they were until I decided to pursue the surgery and set out on this road. Now I don't want to wait. I want them gone now!

I think my current resentment with them also comes from a need to update my closet. My new job needs some new clothes. I need to be attempting a more professional look for my position. My current closet is more business casual than business professional. I have been trying on a lot of clothing and nothing fits right.

A few months ago, I probably wouldn't have been so sensitive to it but now, knowing it isn't always going to be this way, I don't want to settle. An okay fit just doesn't cut it anymore. Besides a professional closet is more expensive than the casual look and I am having trouble spending money on "okay". Especially if I am going to have to do this all over again after the surgery next summer.

Mind you, I expect clothing of all styles will fit better then. Except the bottom half of my body. That half I will have to actually work on myself. After I go eat my cherry blossom in bed.

Its time

for more photos. This is a sampling of what I've been up to this past summer. Tami, I tried to email some photos, but they came back saying your new email address wasn't valid. Please send it to me again, I must have screwed it up.