Whats new?

I have put a few things to rest in my mind. We are not buying any land this week, or next week. Dean picked up a good used beater to get him to work and back and we do not feel it is in our best interests to trade down what we have now. We were looking at trading in our family car for something smaller, cheaper, better on fuel and more importantly, lower monthly payments. But when it came right down to it, saving $50/mth is not worth giving up the space, air conditioning & ride. It's too late, I have been spoiled.

I met with my boob doctor yesterday. Everything checked out fine, I can expect to go from my current state to a size B to C chest area in approximately ONE YEAR! It took me 6 mths just to meet with her. Now that I have decided to go ahead and do this, the wait is killing me. I don't want to buy any clothes, but I need some tops badly. But nothing fits right and why buy something that isn't gonna fit in a YEAR? Wait, that's a year, I can damn well wear out a few things by then. I am going to buy some new tops dammnit.

A whole year, sigh.

I am told this surgeon is worth the wait though. And really, what's one more year after 25 with this pair? I can wait a year for perky, not to mention better posture, neck and back relief and losing 5 lbs in an hour.

Still, a whole year, sigh.

I got the rest of my planting done. The mosquitoes enjoyed it as well. I need to find something to keep the cats out of a section of my garden though. There is a neighbourhood cat or two that think this corner is the best place to crap. Any ideas out there? Last night Kaitlin and I made a huge mud mess that will hopefully keep them out for a day or two. I have been using moth balls this year which does work, but it stinks when you walk near and the rain washes them away. I have been told that orange peels and or egg shells work. Has anyone tried this?

Oh yeah, and I am on holidays now. The piles didn't all get done, but someone else will have to worry about it for the next 2 weeks.

Saturday was the best day I have had in months.





There is really something to putting daily worries and stress away and relaxing. Looking ahead to a couple of weeks of relaxation is just what I needed. And I got to spend some cuddle time with Theya.

Too much

There is soooooooo.... much going on in my world this week. Mom and I took a look at some property for sale about 5 minutes out of town that we MAY, big may, be interested in. Dean and I are talking with a few people about a few different cars. Work is verry crraaaazzzzzie busy and I need to get the whole damn pile plus the other pile, plus the other, other pile, plus my follow up, plus look ahead and deal with some of what "might" come up in the next 2 weeks while I'm on holidays before 5 o'clock tomorrow. PLUS, there is another big thing I can't talk about. And then its final exam week for my newest teenager. And I have the consultation with my boob doc on Monday. Volunteer luncheons and get togethers and school year end wrap up stuff. Oh yeah, I still haven't planted my tomatoes in the ground yet and I have a few flowers to put in pots or the ground still.

SO, I am not going to write more than a Hi!, and give you some more pictures of what I can't believe I live next too.

Its here! Its here! Its here!

My camera has arrived. I have been testing it out a bit. It looks like I have a lot to learn. I picked up this book but I haven't opened it yet.

I was going to post a picture of the view from my desk at work, but I have decided it would not be a good idea. Work and blog don't go together. So instead I will give you a photo of a view from my hometown.




Whenever I see something like this in my town, I can't believe I actually live next to this.

sigh..

Still not here. I checked my order status. It was shipped. It was supposed to arrive on June 14, 2005. I will give it one more day.

While I wait, what do you want to see a picture of? I have decided the first photo I am going to post is going to be of the view from my desk at work. I look out onto the busiest street in town and on the other side of it is a gas bar, grocery store and large hotel/restaurant/bar thingie, all with either apartment buildings or trailer courts peeking out from behind.

But it is so damn green right now. All this rain has made the earth spew green. I love June green. It is my second favorite colour. My favorite being the contrast of that same green against a dark foreboding thunderstorm skyline. Something like this:




or this:




I just love all the raw power in scenes like these. I always thought I would grow up to be a storm chaser. It would be an awesome holiday, chasing storms across the countryside.

Still nothing

It's still not in. I got to pick my delivery date when I ordered it and I picked the first available date, Tuesday June 14th. If its not here tomorrow, I will seriously be upset.

The great divorce is what will happen when Dean finds out I bought it. We are supposed to be paying down our credit cards, not shopping. I have been doing very well at the debt reduction thing, but I won't fool myself. I am only doing it so I can rack it up again on my holiday. And what's a holiday without tons of photos? And why wouldn't I get a new camera that will allow me to show the internet world what I did?

I want to be the next great flickr slut! I will be the next great flickr slut. C'mon, say it with me, "Monarch, you are the next great flickr slut".

I hope I didn't accidentally pick June 14th, 2006.

Damn!

It didn't come in yet. The great divorce will have to wait another day or two.

I am going

to pick up my camera!!

Flicker slut coming soon

I have ordered myself a digital camera. Nothing fancy. But a pretty good one, as far as I would know anyway. I can't wait to start snapping away and addicting myself to Flicker. I promise I am going to make you sick of my flick.

I have been wanting one for over a year now. I want to be able to post & email pic's like the rest of the world and I have always had an interest in photography. I asked for one for my 40th birthday this August, but I am planning a road trip during my two weeks holidays that start in 13 sleeps, Yah baby!, and I want a good camera for this trip.

Kaitlin & very likely my mom-in-law and I are heading south through Drumheller to Calgary and then back up to the north through the Rockies. There will be quite a few firsts for Kaitlin, like the Tyrell Museum and the Calgary Zoo, and a few for me too, like the Columbia Ice Fields and Jasper. I am hoping we have time to stop at the Miette Hot Springs too. My point anyway, is that I can't wait for August for this camera.

So, I have decided not to wait, and on Tuesday I get my birthday gift early. Dean doesn't know yet, so unless he reads this, which is very unlikely, he will only find out if you tell him. Of course I will show him what he bought me when it arrives. Kinda a reverse birthday gift where the surprise is on the giver not the getter.

I am very excited about this trip, and even more about the camera and all the flicker possibilities. I am a little concerned about my mood on this trip though. I will be either pre-menstrual, which means anything could happen, or I will be menstrual, which means migraine city.

Oh well. I refuse to let hormones in on my fun this time around. I am not the monarch for nothing. I will rule!

June

My absolute favorite month of the year

Fresh
new
green
sweet smelling
THUNDER
rain
bright
Fresh
loverly
Fresh

May

Done
Over
Finished
Hairy
Kaput

Testing, testing, 1,2..

Okay, here goes...

hows this?

Grey

Its a gray Saturday morning. I was planning on having a coffee on my desk in the morning sun, but alas, no cooperation from Mom Nature today. So I am having my coffee catching up on the computer. Its been so long since I've really posted.

Ada I know you wanted a picture of my butt blister, but it healed before I got around to it. I'm been hoping for a digital camera for my 40th birthday this sumer, so I am trying to get the hang of the whole posting pic's to my blog thing. So in honour of your request, I will test my first attempt at my photo bloggin abilities with this.


http://flickr.com/photos/46519758@N00/16084619/

THANK YOU

THANK YOU to Charity. For the wonderful personalization of my site for me. Not only did she get it all on here for me, as I have absolutely no idea how to do this, she also contributed her own artwork and design to this site. Isn't it fab!

I Love you Chair and thanks a ton.

Sanity?

Well... I want to write but don't know where to start. My mind hasn't been much of itself for a while now. I do however feel myself starting to come back. I've haven't had any real bad days lately, just a few bad moments and even some really good hours during this past week.

I doubt my sanity at least twice an hour.

But the meds do take time to work, a few weeks before they are really churning seratonin into my brain, so I can't expect to be myself overnight.

The thing that keeps running around with all that extra seratonin in my brain is, is this who I really am? Am I the real me with the chemicals all balanced or is the real me the chemically unbalanced person? Which me do I want to be?

I like the ease of the balanced brain, but I find that while the lows aren't so low, the high aren't so high either. I don't get as down, but I don't seem to be able to really enjoy things. I enjoy things, I just don't "really" enjoy things. Its hard to explain, but I feel like I am just riding in the car and the scenery isn't really changing much. Oh, there's a hill, and here's a valley, but its just a hill and a valley. No mountains, no rivers, no forests, no wildlife, just a field with a hill and a valley, and another field with another hill and another valley.

I also wonder how..... .....how I can be in the middle of a writing a thought and completely forget what I was thinking ................................................ hum ..............................................
ummm ................................................ insomnia? ............... nope ..................................................... lack of libido ........................................... nope ...............................................
......................................................................... hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm ........................... what the hell was I wanting to say?????????????

(I had no idea where my brain went to, so I went back to what I was writing before and added a few more sentences and then, Bam, hormones!)

Oh yeah, hormones! I am really starting to think that this depression (no lets call it the chemical imbalance thing cause it doesn't come with a that feeling that the word depression brings on, the depressed feeling) this chemical imbalance thing I've got going is really strongly tied into hormones. Does anyone know of any good websites that might give me some help in exploring a possible connection? I found this & this & this and I am even more convinced now.

Mothers day

Happy Happy Mothers Day to my Mom and all the Moms out there.

As a Mom, this day is very important to me. It doesn't have to be special in any extra way. I still do laundry, cook a meal, etc. Its just the knowing that society knows what special people moms are. How important they are in our world.

Every last one of them.

Not to take anything away from non moms, they are just as important, dads even get their own day. Just that stop in our lives to say "Wow, you rock!"

To my mom "Wow, you rock!"

April

I've been putting this one off, but since it is now May, I feel I should just get it over with.

April

Foggy
Gritty
Tease
seeds
dirt
worms
mold
chills
pussy willows
foggy
rough
drugged
confused
foggy
thank
god
its
over

How now brown cow?

Anyone know where that saying comes from? I know its from my childhood, but I can't remember from what? Sesame Street? Dr. Seuss? Nestle Quik commercial? Anyone?

And what the hey, I guess I'll give and do the stupid survey.

- Total number of music files on your computer? I dunno, how do I find out?

- The last CD you bought was? Rob Thomas

- What is the last song you listened to before reading this message? The 11th track on the Rob Thomas CD, I think this CD will be one of my favorites for a while although its so new I haven't made it through the whole disc yet.

- Name five songs that you often listen to or mean a lot to you. Only 5? Okay, I'll try.....

The songs I always go back to and listen to over and over again are songs that make me feel like singing loudly along with or make me cry, for happiness or sadness.

1) Everybody hurts - REM
2) Some kind of wonderful - Sky
3) Happy together - Turtles
4) Alan Frew's whole first CD, self titled. It just makes me happy.
5) Constant Craving - KD Lang

- Which 3 people are you going to pass this stick to and why?

1) Neesja, its time you started your own blog.
2) Craig, its time you put something on your blog
3) Blaine, because I really want to know.

I am so damn lucky

Really I am. Today was a good day. Nothing fantastic or anything, but a good fair day. The first day since the bad day I haven't felt like I was on eggshells with myself. I relaxed and enjoyed things as they came along. It also was the first day that my clients didn't overwhelm me by all wanting my immediate attention at the same time.

But I just wanted to say THANK YOU to my coworkers and my family. Everyone has been nothing but wonderful and understanding. You guys make me happy to be alive. You guys are what is real and true in my life.

Thanks for being what I needed when I needed it.

this sucks

I lost it, completely, out of control.

I had a busy, but good day yesterday. An excellent evening last night. A good morning, even singing along to the song to the CD on the way to work this morning. And then...

I wasn't at work more than 2 minutes and my first anoyance of the day turned my mood to cranky. Within an hour I was damn pissed. Before I even made it to lunch, I lost control of my emotions.

I totally freaked out on my boss. I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't yelling, but I did raise my voice. I couldn't help it, I had. Absolutely. NO. CONTROL. !!!. I was also completely embarrased & shocked at the same time. I was trying so hard to stop and I couldn't. I couldn't believe myself. I'm pretty sure I didn't offend anyone, but I was a blubbing mess. I am very blessed to have a boss who is very compassionate and understanding and loves me like family. We are a family where I work, and we sincerely appreciate each other even with all our faults, but that is another post. What I really want to say is what happened next. In the middle of this blubbering mess of liquid emotional breakdown, I realized exactly what was happening.

I have been slowly trying to wean myself off of my antidepressants. I have been taking them for 4 years now. I have weaned myself from 20mg every day to 10 mg every 2nd day over the last several months, taking it slowly, and today was my first attempt at 2 days in a row without them.

As soon as this thought made itself clear in my quivering mass of grey jelly, I explained it to my boss, then went straight home, crying all the way, and took 20 mg.

I am still a mess right now, but a controlled mess.

this sucks

My bike and I

I got on my bike last night and Kaitlin and I biked just over halfway to the office I work at and back, approx 7-8 km's. It felt wonderful. It is my warm up/test to see if I am ready to starting biking to work everyday and leaving the golden gaz gussler at home. Kaitlin of course on her new bike would fly by me every few minutes yelling "Right, right, right" signalling that she is going to pass me on my right and I should stay left, just like in the movie Spanglish. It was funny at first, but then I got tired of it, only because she kept passing me. I tried to do it to her once, but I didn't quite get passed her. Damn it.

Anyways, there are three hills on that trail that have the potential to give me really sore legs. Two going and one coming back. The worst is the one coming back. I didn't even try that one, I got off at the bottom and walked up it. Kaitlin rode all the way up. Damn it. By the end of my biking to work stint last year I had only made it up that one once.

The first one on the going I made about half way, the second one I made it all the way. Both of these I was doing with no problem by the end of last summer, but couldn't do when I first started.

I did better than I expected, but not as well as I hoped. You see, I had been trying to keep myself more conditioned over this past winter, and I had been doing very well until about the middle of March, then I really slacked off. I guess it worked as well as I did.

Tonight I go again and I tomorrow I bike to work with my butt blister avoidance shorts.