Well... I want to write but don't know where to start. My mind hasn't been much of itself for a while now. I do however feel myself starting to come back. I've haven't had any real bad days lately, just a few bad moments and even some really good hours during this past week.
I doubt my sanity at least twice an hour.
But the meds do take time to work, a few weeks before they are really churning seratonin into my brain, so I can't expect to be myself overnight.
The thing that keeps running around with all that extra seratonin in my brain is, is this who I really am? Am I the real me with the chemicals all balanced or is the real me the chemically unbalanced person? Which me do I want to be?
I like the ease of the balanced brain, but I find that while the lows aren't so low, the high aren't so high either. I don't get as down, but I don't seem to be able to really enjoy things. I enjoy things, I just don't "really" enjoy things. Its hard to explain, but I feel like I am just riding in the car and the scenery isn't really changing much. Oh, there's a hill, and here's a valley, but its just a hill and a valley. No mountains, no rivers, no forests, no wildlife, just a field with a hill and a valley, and another field with another hill and another valley.
I also wonder how..... .....how I can be in the middle of a writing a thought and completely forget what I was thinking ................................................ hum ..............................................
ummm ................................................ insomnia? ............... nope ..................................................... lack of libido ........................................... nope ...............................................
......................................................................... hhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm ........................... what the hell was I wanting to say?????????????
(I had no idea where my brain went to, so I went back to what I was writing before and added a few more sentences and then, Bam, hormones!)
Oh yeah, hormones! I am really starting to think that this depression (no lets call it the chemical imbalance thing cause it doesn't come with a that feeling that the word depression brings on, the depressed feeling) this chemical imbalance thing I've got going is really strongly tied into hormones. Does anyone know of any good websites that might give me some help in exploring a possible connection? I found this & this & this and I am even more convinced now.
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I am the worst blogger for any kind of regular updates. It is what it is.
5 comments:
Well, I have read an article, somewhere, awhile ago, that made sense to me. It said that women are most likely to develop chemical imbalances during our wonderful lifetime emotional events.
Also including any sort of traumatic events, such as the passing of loved ones, accidents, etc., it specifies puberty, pregnancy, (miscarriages) and menopause. These are of course, when we are so full of hormones that they have scientifically acknowledged that we may be borderline insane (esp. teens), and have found that the way the hormones react with our brains has the potential to induce symptoms, ad the onset of, many mental disorders.
Many, however, go undiagnosed, and then are discovered 'after' the teen years, or emotional period has 'ended', usually accompanied with therapy, or simply a lot of stress on the person involved.
I have found myself wondering if who I am is me on the meds or me without the meds.
Maybe part of my (this) life was to experience life without the meds. (I don’t know if you know it, but I have read and agree with a lot of the stuff that Sylvia Browne says. She is a psychic, and medium, and I feel her books are the first thing that has ever made sense to me religiously.
I never really believed what I learned about everything else. It didn’t feel right, and I found so many aspects of it that just didn’t seem to fit in.)
Anyway, you are definitely not alone in wondering who you are, and which would be better.
I am sorry to hear that you aren’t enjoying things as much as you have before. Maybe you are in a bit of a low, awaiting the meds to work?
If I was a doctor, I would prescribe a two day trip, at least, to the mountains. If you go through Hinton, where I was recently, go visit Wildhorse Lake.
OMG, it is so… well, Mother Nature did her job, and she did it well. For a laugh, on the way there, there is a sign that says Kinky Lake. It is a real lake.
I hope to soon have some pix uploaded onto my old website, to which I will have a link from my current one.
I do hope you feel better soon. Maybe one of these weekends, you should come up for the day, and Craig, Genevieve, Steph, Chair, Theya, Jason, etc, the whole bunch of us, could get together and hang out in Rundle Park.
HUGE beautiful park on the east end of town, about 118 ave and 33 st. Close to my place, so C, G, S could take LRT here if they wanted to. We could picnic, and go on walking paths… Maybe leave early to go shopping… :)
Cheer up! We all Love you, and want to see you happy!!!
Blaine
“All Paths Lead To Home” –Marci of http://marcionline.com
i hope my post helped some...
I am most likely going to be in CL for Saturday night and sunday evening... unfortunately I have to leave by 7 or 8 at the latest, because I have to get up at 5 a.m. the next morning...
We will try to BBQ early then, but no promises
Babe, I think you should talk with JenB, or at least check out her blog (www.jenandtonic.ca). She's been through a lot of stuff with depression/bipolar stuff and she's one wicked awesome chicky-poo. Just like you! I SO can't wait to see you this weekend. I miss you.
All in all, I'm so proud of you, Blaine and others for facing this burden so honestly and openly. I've lived and experienced this same problem with my own mother growing up. In those days there was'nt the information and help that there is now. IT WAS NOT PRETTY! I have carried her pain all my life which motivated me to study and help others where and when I can. The positive side? I'm a little wiser, and I can't feel sorry for myself when I see what other live with. love you
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