this sucks

I lost it, completely, out of control.

I had a busy, but good day yesterday. An excellent evening last night. A good morning, even singing along to the song to the CD on the way to work this morning. And then...

I wasn't at work more than 2 minutes and my first anoyance of the day turned my mood to cranky. Within an hour I was damn pissed. Before I even made it to lunch, I lost control of my emotions.

I totally freaked out on my boss. I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't yelling, but I did raise my voice. I couldn't help it, I had. Absolutely. NO. CONTROL. !!!. I was also completely embarrased & shocked at the same time. I was trying so hard to stop and I couldn't. I couldn't believe myself. I'm pretty sure I didn't offend anyone, but I was a blubbing mess. I am very blessed to have a boss who is very compassionate and understanding and loves me like family. We are a family where I work, and we sincerely appreciate each other even with all our faults, but that is another post. What I really want to say is what happened next. In the middle of this blubbering mess of liquid emotional breakdown, I realized exactly what was happening.

I have been slowly trying to wean myself off of my antidepressants. I have been taking them for 4 years now. I have weaned myself from 20mg every day to 10 mg every 2nd day over the last several months, taking it slowly, and today was my first attempt at 2 days in a row without them.

As soon as this thought made itself clear in my quivering mass of grey jelly, I explained it to my boss, then went straight home, crying all the way, and took 20 mg.

I am still a mess right now, but a controlled mess.

this sucks