273

273 sleeps 'til camping if that's what you are talking about BB. 239 to Banff if we go. 64 'til Christmas if the others seem too far away. 3 to Halloween and your yard isn't decorated yet. For camping & Banff I wasn't going to start until New Years day, but if you want it, there it is.



A blog I read regularly talked about the choice of having a child and the responsibilities of raising one. I have always been serious about raising my children and have given it a lot a consideration over the years but I have never ever thought about if I wanted to have children or not. I first found myself pregnant at 16 yrs old. I was not thinking period! Did I want to bring a child into this world & society we live in? Never crossed my mind. Never did the other two times either. I enjoyed the first one so much, and believed (and still do) he was a miracle of a gift to me, I never considered not doing it again and again. I believe in human kind. There are many many more kind, loving people in the world than not.

In this frantic world of gimme, gimme, gimme, there are many responsible parents raising their children to live a different life. I admire them all. It is not easy to avoid getting caught up in the wanting of today's society. I do it every day. I struggle with what I want and what I need every hour of every day. Its in our face everywhere. How do you fight it all the time. I like to buy things for others, for me, for the dogs, it doesn't matter. It makes me feel good. Money means nothing to me, it is a means to an end. I don't care if I have money, and I sure do want to part with it when I get some. I can't keep a balance in my bank account unless its a negative balance.

Then comes the sleepless nights. Then the money matters. Then I cry and wonder how I don't seem to learn my lesson again and again. I have been through many hard times, and have learned many hard lessons, but this one I struggle with again and again. At least 4 times a year I get myself into a situation that I lose sleep over. It always works out and I am better at making choices for a while and then there I am.... again.

Do I have an underlying need I am trying to fill? Do I need Dr. Phil?

Another one?

How about that, two more good days. Not a great day today, but a good day.

I would love to see a little more sunshine though. I think in the last 12 days we may have had a total of 4 hours of sunshine. It has been overcast, snowing, raining or foggy non stop. I would give the only chocolate cake for 100 miles for a full day of sun. It gets to people, myself included. A sunny day would make everyone's day a good day.

I don't know what the hell to write about. The weather? I am pretty sad if I have to resort to the weather.

Ask me something, anything. I will answer you.

Life is good

I had another good day yesterday. I finished Maggies blanket Saturday night (and I am very proud of it). D was home for the whole day, not working, not learning, not driving a big rig, not playing hockey or on the phone making arrangements to play hockey. We got up, had a coffee or two, had a nice simple family breakfast and cleaned the house. We took Kaitlin to the pool with her cousins, washed my car, put some fuel in it, picked up D's car which had to stay overnight in a parking lot because it had a couple of beers and couldn't drive itself home & then picked up Kaitlin & went to D's parents for dinner and an evening of good food and good company.

While in the midst of cleaning the house, I spoke on the phone with someone I hadn't talked with for a while and he asked me how things were going. I replied "Good. Life is good.". He asked if I had recently won the lottery? I didn't understand why he asked that, so replied somewhat puzzled "no..., why?". He explained that if life was good, I must have won the lottery. He was just joking around, and didn't mean anything by the comment, but it struck me kind of funny.

Do I have to have piles of money to have a good life? To me, a good day, a good hour or even a good laugh are all I need to feel my life is good. I have a nice home, a decent set of wheels, a man who loves and respects me, a job that gives me satisfaction when I can do it well and a happy, healthy family. Why wouldn't life be good? Why shouldn't life be good? Why would a comment such as life is good get such a reply. I just don't understand it. I think I am still puzzled.

I had another good day again today. I worked my ass off (it found me on the way home again though) but actually got somewhere doing it today. Interruptions were reasonable and Kaitlin made a simple but terrific dinner for us with less than one full rack of dishes to do after. I haven't turned the TV on yet today and its now time for bed and a new book I just started.

LIFE IS GOOD!

Random Blog thoughts

I haven't blogged for a few days now and I have found myself being reminded about it. It is on my mind alot, but I just plain haven't gotten to it. I haven't felt well this past week, nothing like a flu or anything, just stressed, PMS'd and generally under the weather. I find it funny that I feel I have to explain why I haven't written anything. I certainly don't owe a blog to anyone and I don't want my blog to take over my life. I don't want to be tied to it. I want to write what I feel like writing when I feel like writing. I want it to enhance my life.

However, I am very pleased that in the very short life of my blog I have already found regular readers. That is a big part of why I am here. And that leads me to another blog thought.

I am worried that I might write something someday that someone might misunderstand or feel is directed at them. I am afraid I may hurt someone's feelings, and may even do it without even being aware I did. But on the other hand I don't want to have to censor myself. So that being said, I am going to use the words of a good friend to try to explain.

"You can't keep everyone happy all the time. If they really love you and are an important part of your life hopefully they will remember that your blog is about you, not them and it is not a reflection of them but of you. They need to respect that good or bad, these are your thoughts and feelings, whether they are just "of the minute" or permanent, they are what they are."

Pretty smart girl, isn't she. Thanks Neesja!


So, that all being said, today has been a good day. D passed his class 1 drivers road test this morning. Way to go Babe! I wasn't worried at all, and I don't think he really was either. This is good stuff for us. Dean has worked very hard for many years for this family and is now able to start a new career of his choice. I am VERY proud of him for two different reasons.

First is for his dedication to me and our family. This guy of mine is not for one second scared of commitment. He has taught me more than I ever thought there was to learn about the subject. He rocks!

Secondly he has worked very hard for the past few weeks to get his license. It's not an easy thing to learn to drive an "eighteen wheeler" in a few weeks. He rocks!

And tonite, Kaitlin and I are having our first craft night. In the winter when D starts hockey, we do girls craft night until Christmas, then we switch to girls movie night until hockey ends. I don't know which ones I like better. They are both so much fun, until Kaitlin hits the age when she would rather spend her weekend evenings with her friends instead of her mother. Like Stephanie did. I don't know what I will do then. Probably have craft/movie nites all by myself or maybe with a girlfriend and a bottle of wine maybe... Umm...

Kaitlin is working on her first ever cross stitch and I am going to make two baby blankets. One for Maggie and one for Theya. When those are done, I must finish my tree skirt for Christmas. I got as far as cutting it all out last year, but never got to the sewing part of it. I would really like to have it done this year.

We also want to make new coats for the dogs. The ones they have now don't quite fit right and get really static-y in the winter, which is when they need them. But we also have to find a project or two to make for Christmas gifts as well. I am hoping to find something on the net tonight. I am kinda thinking of the glass etching thing.

Any ideas anyone?

Just once

Just once I would like to sit down to do something and not be interrupted. My life is full of interruptions -like right now as I am typing this D bangs the desk drawer into my chair and wants to know where the stapler is-.

I get up in the morning, -the kettle is whistling I must go make the tea-, and I get Kaitlin up, I go pee, she comes in the bathroom, I wash my face, she gets in the shower, I go to the kitchen, she hollars for her towel, I get in the shower, D comes in and brushes his teeth. I get dressed and blow dry my hair, Kaitlin wants to know where her jeans are, I make myself a bowl of cereal, it gets soggy while I help Kaitlin pack her backpack so she gets out the door before the bus comes.

I try to poo, Cricket (one of our two small dogs) whines outside the door, or if it isn't shut all the way, comes in and wants to sit on my lap.

I go to work, get a coffee and take the first client call-Kaitlin announces she is done her homework, has her pj's on & wants me to feel her skin where her underwear made it all puckery- of the day, as I try to finish up my notes on what we discussed another client comes in, while I am serving him, another comes in, while she waits for me to finish with my current client another one, the one I have been trying to get a hold of for a week, calls and gets put through to my voice mail, and then one of the others in the office needs me to tell them why their papers won't print. 2 hours later when I am almost finally done all my processing and notes on the three first clients of the day, my computer throws me out of my program (most likely because I have too many programs open and running at the same time) so I check my voice mail messages. The one from the client I really needed to talk to that called 5 minutes into my day says he is only home for another 1/2 hour then he is going back to work in camp for 30 days and I won't be able to reach him again until his next 3 days off.

This goes on all morning at the office. I can't even eat my lunch without being interrupted. I sometimes try to work through my lunch and eat at my desk, but I can't concentrate as half the staff come into my office one by one to find out why I'm not gone for lunch yet & clients come in and see me at my desk (my office door has a almost door size window in it). To get even a slice of peace in my day, I go -D hollars a phone message to me from the bedroom across the hall- to the lunchroom to eat my lunch.

This goes on all afternoon as well. I go home, before I even have my key out of the door, the dogs are jumping on me and whining and need to be let out for a pee. Kaitlin is asking what's for supper and when will it be ready before my shoes are off my feet. Sometimes I go straight to the kitchen to prepare food after letting the dogs out, of course, last thing I need is pee/poo on the carpet. Funny how they never do it on the floor. Sometimes I go to my bedroom to change out of my office attire first, but D is there watching TV and as soon as I -Kaitlin starts reading out loud over my shoulder and hiccuping loudly and laughing as I write this- start to disrobe, he gets that look...., I put another load of laundry in, fold the one from this morning, feed the dogs while they pee/poo (inside or outside), read all the flyers/notes that came home from school that day, and then start supper after I have been asked 3 times when are we going to eat?

If I sit down to do something, anything, watch TV, read a book, blog, sew, fill out paper work, it happens over and over again.

I know most of it is my fault. I allow it to happen. I love being a caring wife and mother, I prefer no one in the house fold the laundry or cook. I like that my clients expect good service from me, it means I have proven to them that I give it. I like that the staff feel they can come to me anytime for help of any kind, personal or professional and that they care and are concerned when/if I don't take my lunch break right at the time I can.

I don't know how to balance it all so that I can still find a place and time of peace where I can be just me. I don't have that anywhere in my life.


On another note. Today I hurt someone's feelings. I am not proud of that. I am feeling impatient, frustrated (read above) and it is time for me to start my PMS-ie moodiness crap. I gave back what I have been getting for months. I said out loud what everyone has been thinking. I don't feel that what I said or how I said it was out of line for the time and situation, but none-the-less I hurt someone's feelings. That I am not okay with. I know the two of us will talk this out soon, when the time is right and the feelings are not so raw and it will be uncomfortable, but we will work it out, that I am sure of. And we will both be better off for it all, but I still hate the fact I hurt someone's feelings.

I am very sorry. I know I can be a better person than I was at that moment.


Did anyone notice I got two good sized paragraphs and two small ones out without being interrupted? Maybe they got tired of reading about themselves over my shoulder. Maybe when I threw the stapler...

Bigger and better

Craig was the most normal labour I had. He was my first. He came out the largest of the three but the shortest of them as well, although I don't think they can catch him on height now. From the first labour pain to the moment he arrived was 8 hours long. It progressed just as it should. As he was my first I didn't really know what I was doing. I remember quite vividly during an intense painful contraction feeling like I was going to die and what the hell did I get myself into. My patient nurse told me not to worry as it was all going to be worth it in the end. I thought she was insane and disliked her so much at that moment I wanted to slap the silly little smile off her face, the smile that says she knows better than I do.

Well, she was right. It was absolutely worth every second. I fell in love with Craig immediately. My God, he was beautiful! He was my man right from the get go. He was so everything. I did not want to be apart from him, ever. Patient nurse, where ever you are, I now know that look and I am sure I use it all the time.

Stephanie was the middle child, the middle weight and the middle length of the three, but she took her squatting rights very seriously. My sister and I were pregnant together. She was due two weeks after me. My due date came and went, hers was nearing and her doctor told her that as everyone was ready, she should take castor oil to help start things going. She did. Within hours she went into labour. She had her baby a few days before her due date and I was still expecting. This did not sit well with me. I took a tablespoon of what looked, smelled, tasted and felt like liquid vaseline. Twelve hours later, nothing yet. I took another tablespoon and went to bed. I woke up at two in the morning with an intense contractions and they continued every two minutes. By the time I got the house up, got 3 year old Craig awake, peed, dressed and packed for a night at Grandma's, all with full painful contractions every 2 minutes, dropped Craig off at Grandma's and got to the hospital it was over an hour later. The nurse patiently checked me in, and helped me up onto a bed. I asked to go to the washroom as I felt very strongly I had to go. She said I could go after she did an exam. She didn't take long, as I was already crowning. I can still hear her gasp and she looked me right in the eye and said "Whatever you do, DON'T go to the bathroom or your baby will be born in the toilet" and ran out the door. She was back in 30 seconds, saying the doctor is being called and there is no time to shave me (heehee, I liked that). Stephanie was born about 30 minutes later. And I fell in love again. That moment you meet face to face is undescribable. She was so perfect. She was Stephanie.

After she was delivered, my doctor asked my husband to please go and park his car, it was the one running with the lights on and keys still in it in front of the front door. Wow, I really made him move.

Kaitlin was the most painful of all my three experiences with labour. She was the smallest but the longest of the three. She also took her squatting rights seriously. I was exactly 2 weeks overdue. My Doctor said there is no time like the present and decided to break my water to start things going. After the castor oil, I thought this was a good idea. THEN he came at me down there with a LARGE crochet hook and tried to pull all the hair out. Maybe he thought he would save the nurse from having to shave me. In less than an hour labour started and it proceeded quite fast. My labour was all in my back. It was awful. The first two were a walk in the park compared to this. Kaitlin came out with the cord wrapped around her neck twice. I didn't know, but I could tell the doctor was concerned about something but I was in pain. She told me NOT to push. Later, Dean said Kaitlin was blue, really, really blue.

Kaitlin joined our family just over three hours from the crochet hook experience. Even with all the back pain, which I still have problems with to this day, she is worth it. More falling, more love. I still remember the emotions clearly. So overwhelming, so beautiful. Probably alot hormonal, but I don't care. I would go through everyone of those contractions again in a flash for that moment when the world stops and its just me and Craig/Stephanie/Kaitlin.

I love you guys even more today than I did then. You are still so wonderful, beautiful, enchanting and make my life so worthwhile.

Thank you.

They are here

I have been lucky enough to have 2 nieces born this week. Maggie was born in Calgary on Oct 9th and Theya was born early this morning in Edmonton. Congrats to both, I can't wait for pictures and a chance to go visiting.


I had a long emotional post done up recalling the birth of my three children, but when I went to publish it, it disappeared.

I will leave it for now as "I loved the experience more than I could have ever imagined and they were all so worth every single second of pain. I love you guys so much!"

I was ready to cry the whole time I wrote it, but now that its gone I really want to cry.

Spud 3

Still no spud yet.

Spud again

Just read chair, not much happening on the spud front.

Spud

For those checking in, still no news on spud. I will post as soon as I hear anything.

Excitement

Looks like Chair and J are going to have an exciting night tonight. Her water broke around 7 pm and she has started contractions. I will post as soon as I know what's going on.

I had a nap after work today, although by the time I got home I felt like I had caught my second wind. I read the newpaper and then slept for about an hour until I was awoken by the phone. Mom calling to tell me Chair & J's news. The nap was what I needed to get past the bitch I felt today. Or maybe it was getting away from all the people who think they know everything, including me, better than I do. I had a hard time today not snapping at people when they expressed their opinions as fact and expressed it in a way that said "you don't know what you're talking about, only I do and I'm always right". As much as I want to keep the peace and as tolerant as I try my best to be, today was hard.

Actually it has been hard for the past few weeks. It has been crazy-ass busy due to AutoReform and due to all kinds of training required for auto reform and staff personal reasons we have also been running short on staff for weeks. This combination has been hard on everyones nerves at work and I am no exception. I predict it will go on for at least another month and maybe even longer now that we just found out we have been purchased by ING.
It shouldn't make too much of a difference in our day to day operations, but it will be indirectly a lot more work and client phone calls.

It seems like its been one thing after another since I started working for Canada Brokerlink and it has been snowballing since. Oh well, we have a pretty nice arrangement I think, they keep paying me and I keep working for them.

Not that I don't like my job or where I work, I really, really do. Okay so maybe the bitch isn't completely gone yet.

I am tired

Yes, I am tired. I am bitchy. I want to go to bed. 2 hours 20 minutes to my bed.

morning

its 9:39 am. Just shaking the cobwebs out of my mind, body and as always, working on my soul. Right now I feel like a had a great sleep, but my memory tells me different. How does that work?

I came within a foot of smashing my car into another last nite. It would have been completely my fault. Someone could have been hurt badly. It was late, I was tired, I thought I knew the intersection, but I was wrong. This will haunt me for a while. I hate when I screw up something that I should know better. It's different when its an honest mistake and you're learning. This was just plain carelessness on my part. I always say [I hate that saying in itself "I always say" "My mom always said" "My teacher always says" but thats another blog] anyways, I always say [still hate it] "Mistakes are part of learning, as long as you learn from them it's ok". I learned something big from this one. Never will I attempt that turn at that interection again. I will go another way. I know, its a easy cop out. I will however, walk down to that corner this morning and take a good look at it in the daylight. It's on the block where I slept last nite.

Thanksgiving

We are heading off to Whitecourt late this afternoon to hang out in a Den of Baskervilles and eat turkey, sunshine-free range-organic turkey, and drink homemade red wine. I am sure there will be a constant Skip-bo game going as well. I am looking forward to seeing what Whitecourt looks like in Autumn. I've only seen it in spring and it was beautiful then.

We have a few stops to make on the way, one to leave the dogs at my mom's for the weekend and one to pick up Craig & Stephanie so they can join us for the festive weekend. The weather is supposed to hold so I have high expectations for long walks in the sun too.

On the way back we will be stopping at Chair's and I will be joining her, J, Kelly and my GOOD friend Karie, that I haven't seen for more than 30 secondsin the last year, to enjoy an evening with Sting and Annie Lennox. Then the 3 hour drive back after the concert and back to work at 9am the next morning.

I'm hoping to be relaxed and rested enough from the weekend to blaze right through the middle of the night drive home and work the next day. Although I am pretty sure I won't be doing much at home Wednesday evening.

On another note, our office is having a halloween dress up contest. I want our branch to WIN!! Any suggestions out there for 7 women?

Testing, testing 1,2,3

Hello Blog world.

Here I am. Hope we are ready for each other. Here goes...

Today started out emotionally draining, sometime around noon I recovered my self and then by mid afternoon I was exhausted. I came home from work to a meal prepared by my husband and dishes done by my husband. He is very good at keeping up on dirty dishes, but preparing supper is not something he likes to do and thats alright with me. BUT, to come home to an unexpected meal after the ups and downs of my day was very enriching. And it was a fine meal too. Meatloaf, one of my favorites with rice and steamed fresh garden carrots...Yumm..AND a bottle of red wine to go with it. It doesn't get much better.

Then I started laundry, put a migrainie 12 yr old to bed and turned on my PC to find that "this" blog is ready and waiting for me. Thanks a bunch Chair. I have been trying for 2 weeks to get my geocities site up and running, but haven't even been able to get the program to load.

This is new to me and I don't expect to be very good or exciting but I promise to try. We are heading out of town for thanksgiving weekend, if I can find an hour to myself and a computer to work on, I will let you know what I'm up to. For now, stayed tuned, if you want.

Hello, is this working?

This is Chair, getting things rolling for Monarch, taking up my valuable Mat Leave to slave away on blogger.. har har, au contrair, ma soeur! I'm honored to be able to help and that you trust me to get this started (of course you can always delete this later!).