I am tired.

My seasonal allergies seem to have found a strong hold on me this week. If its anything like the past two years, every time it is cloudy and rainy, any dampness at all and I will be bagged and this year that's everyday. Not much sunshine going on here.

That and work has kicked into high gear. I have been very busy, which is absolutely fabulous, but I am feeling it.

I went to bed and pretty much straight to sleep at 8:30 last night. I slept straight through to my alarm clock at 6 this morning and I still feel bagged. That's the allergies, I know. Tonight I am going to take it easy again, hit the hay relatively early and since tomorrow is Saturday, I am going to sleep until I have to wet the bed.

I also have to start eating better. I have been really lax on my diet the past two months. I've been eating out much too much and not getting enough fruits and veggies. I tend to eat bad when I eat out. I feel as if it is a treat to eat out, so therefore I can treat myself to what I want and I don't have to stick to what's good for me. AND MORE WATER, LESS COFFEE. When I am tired I drink more coffee, which dehydrates me which makes me tired which triggers more coffee. It is a bad cycle and hard for me to break because I love coffee. The stronger the better.

And exercise. I have not been doing my share. I get more at my new job, the washroom and coffee room are at the opposite end of the building from my office and the office is at least 4 times as big as my previous job, so I know I am moving around more during the day. But I also know that's not enough. I need to get on my bike again or at least start walking the dogs a couple times a week. But my allergies drag me down and I just want to go to bed...

thinking

Lately I have found myself thinking a lot about my body. The shape of it. I am carrying around fifty pounds too much. Over all this doesn't really bother me much. Of course I would love to fit into a size 9 or even a 11 again, but I know that it is an unrealistic thought. I could drop the weight if I really dedicated myself to it, but I don't really care to put myself through that. I am comfortable enough with myself to enjoy my bad habits with out guilt. I think I deserve that. What I have really been thinking about is my breast reduction surgery. It won't be happening for at least another 10 months but I am excited.

I am starting to resent my heavy hanging hurting breasts. I think I never quite realized just quite how heavy, how hanging and how hurting they were until I decided to pursue the surgery and set out on this road. Now I don't want to wait. I want them gone now!

I think my current resentment with them also comes from a need to update my closet. My new job needs some new clothes. I need to be attempting a more professional look for my position. My current closet is more business casual than business professional. I have been trying on a lot of clothing and nothing fits right.

A few months ago, I probably wouldn't have been so sensitive to it but now, knowing it isn't always going to be this way, I don't want to settle. An okay fit just doesn't cut it anymore. Besides a professional closet is more expensive than the casual look and I am having trouble spending money on "okay". Especially if I am going to have to do this all over again after the surgery next summer.

Mind you, I expect clothing of all styles will fit better then. Except the bottom half of my body. That half I will have to actually work on myself. After I go eat my cherry blossom in bed.